This is another mental health awareness post. This time I’m here to show you how my life has been recently, kind of like a general update so you know why my posts have been so sporadic recently. It’s a relatively personal post but that’s not too different to usual. As always, my life has been a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings and experiences and I’ve been facing the highest of highs but also the lowest of lows. So, here’s a general update on how I’m doing.
TW// eating disorders, self-harm, PTSD, sexual assault.
Recently I have been struggling lots with an array of things. I wish I could say that everything’s perfect, but things have been difficult and coming to terms with that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Feeling like you should be feeling so much better than you are is something I’ve struggled with lots but recently I’ve found it near impossible. There are loads of different reasons as to why I am struggling lots, all with different causes and triggers. I can’t stay in lessons for the whole 75 minutes without taking some time out of the class just to collect my thoughts and calm down. On the rare occasions where I can stay in the class, my focus just leaves me, and I am unable to do work. Panic attacks are a daily occurrence and I can’t go a day without getting flashbacks or PTSD. I’m getting constantly slut-shamed by people I don’t know and people who claim to be my friends and I can’t go anywhere alone as I am scared that I’ll get harassed as that has happened many times before. My self-confidence deteriorates by the day and I’ve developed a toxic relationship with food. I can’t stand people touching my stomach and only close friends and family members can hug me. I struggle to sleep and when I do, I get nightmares and I can only go to sleep if there is some background noise like a YouTube video. I accidentally end up in toxic friendships and find it harder to let people in and make friends then ever before. Finally, I’ve lost friends who mean the world to me, who, before this year, I couldn’t imagine my life without them. This may be a part of growing up, but it doesn’t make it any easier for you to let them go.
However, luckily for me, it’s not all doom and gloom. He may be strong, but I am stronger. Whatever he tries to throw at me, I can dodge it and it’ll bounce back or reflect onto him. I’m honestly just very happy I have positives in my life which are what keep me going day in day out. They can be small things like me managing to (mostly) keep on top of schoolwork. Or one of my favourite compliments I’ve been receiving recently which is “But you seem so happy! I’d never expect you to be depressed.” I’m in a specialist therapy to help with the trauma – called EMDR – and it’s been working quick well! (I’ll write a blog article on it when I finally leave it) my anti-depressants are working well which is amazing – I may be 50mg away from the highest dosage but if it works it works. I haven’t self-harmed since the 26th June 2019 no matter how close I’ve been to relapsing which is quite impressive. I have a boyfriend who I really like and care about and it shows “I can trust another individual enough and let them into my life in a romantic way” – my therapists’ words. My friends and family also like him (other than my big and little brother being slightly jealous that there’s another man in my life – sorry guys) and he also reads this blog straight away and is supportive of everything I do – he’s a keeper, what more can I say. I’m slowly getting better with physical contact and I don’t always freak out as much as I once did when people touch certain areas of my body. I’m making a difference in my community and the people in it, helping people through things, raising awareness about what’s important to me etc. I have an amazing tight-knit group of friends who – when we’re together – are all completely off the scale crazy but I wouldn’t have them any other way. We have so many inside jokes and we’re all just one crazy mismatched family who support each other no matter what, no matter how crazy the idea is. Speaking of families, my biological family have been – as always – the most supportive people you will ever meet. My Grandparents read my blog and always message me about it, saying how good it is and how brave I am, my parents deal with my emotions day in day out and are always there for me when I need them most. Even my aunts and uncles who – I think – don’t know what’s going on are still always so kind and loving (and they cook the best food, honestly, they do). Finally, I’m mentally stronger than ever before. Physically I may have the strength of a new-born baby who just got shoved out the womb but mentally I am Superman. I may still have days which are my Kryptonite but overall, the good outweighs the bad and that’s all I have ever wanted.
So, there you have it! That’s what’s been going on in my life for the past couple of months!
Thank you so much for reading, I love you all, stay safe and I’ll see you soon!
xo baby, Tati xoxo
Here’s a toast to my real friends that didn’t care about the he said she saidThis Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things – Taylor Swift