My 2019

I never really saw the point in reflecting on things – the past is in the past and I found it best to keep it that way.  But this year was such an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s only fair to reflect, reminisce and learn from 2019.  It’s also a perfect way to wave the eventful year behind so I can hop, skip and jump into 2020.  It’s good to recognise the positives and negatives from this year and writing and preparing this article was honestly such a cleansing experience and I feel finally ready to embrace the new year!  (That sounds very spiritual and that’s not me at all but I kinda like it, so we’ll allow it)

In so many ways, 2019 was one of the hardest years for me.  Lots of things happened or surfaced which made it an extremely emotional time for me.  In this year alone:

• I got officially diagnosed with depression, PTSD and a trauma-based eating disorder
• I lost contact with people who meant the world to me – especially one person who stopped me from relapsing and getting bad again.
• I had a daily struggle with going to and staying in lessons, the wholeeeee year.
• I went down extremely toxic ways of recovery
• My anxiety (which I hadn’t badly struggled with since 2016-2017) came back worse than ever
• I stopped doing things I loved the most as I was scared to be judged.
• I have extremely bad trust issues
• Learnt what it’s like to have random strangers now everything about you without a way to control it.
• Got picked on almost daily
• Considered ending it all on multiple occasions.

However, 2019 was also the year of coming out of my shell and fighting the good fight.  I’ve had so many amazing, life-changing experiences which definitely out-weigh the negatives!

• I started this blog!
• I’ve begun to raise awareness about sexual assault, mental illness and feminism in school!
• I went to SITC and had the most amazing time meeting the most amazing people
• I got to spend a day in Brighton with my Big Brother and this summer we became closer than ever before!
• I found a friendship group and boyfriend who like me for me.
• I got to see the Book of Mormon with my Dad (which was incredible).  I also got to spend the whole day in London with him and we’re super close now and we have a bond stronger than we have ever had. 
• Became more self-confident in what I wear and showing off my body a bit more
• I moved up to the top of the school – Year 11 let’s get it!
• I became a prefect – something I have wanted to do since Year 7
• I got to take a trip down memory lane and worked at my old primary school for a week.
• Reconnected with an old friend and now we’re super close
• I managed to push my limits and I sung solos in school productions and performed on the frEAKING WEST END!  (My dream come true)
• Became really close with my family (and my extended family!)
• I am slowly becoming better with physical contact
• I became a proud activist (much to my friends eardrums dismay – I am not afraid to get my voice heard!)
• My mental health is slowly improving
• I got to see Wicked with my friends (review coming soon!)
• Got a distinction in my English Speaking and Listening Assessment
• I don’t mind what people think of me as much

Even though this year was (in some ways) pretty good, I am positive 2020 will be amazing!  I have so many exciting things planned, that I cannot wait for!

• I’m starting a new chapter in my education: sixth form!
• I’m seeing the Kaiser Chiefs and The Killers live in concert!
• I’m also seeing Six: The Musical live with my little brother!
• Going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas with my family which means DISNEYLAND!!
• I have my 12 weeks summer holiday! (After GCSE’s of course)
• I’m going to Prom!
• I’ll be turning sixteen!  (Legal boys, legal noise – sorry Mum and Dad!)

I will be ensuring that 2020 is amazing though, and I have set myself goals and targets that I wish to achieve so that 2020 will undoubtably be the best year.  Next year, my aims are:

• Become a lot better with physical contact
• Partake in a protest or march
• Go to a pride event with Thumper
• Try and post once a week here!
• Pass at least five GCSE’s
• Not let others control me and become my own person
• Become someone younger people look up to
• Get out more!  Learn about the world around me!
• Stop feeling bad about what I can’t control
• Read and go to the library more!
• Become Proud of myself
• And finally, never lose sight of my morals.

So, there you have it!  That’s been my 2019 and what I want to achieve in 2020!  Thank you so much for reading, I couldn’t be here without fans who are supportive and as lovely as you.

xo baby, Tati xoxo