Did I Achieve My 2020 Goals?

I know, I know, this article should’ve been posted before 2021 started, not halfway through January!  I’ve just been kind of busy recently and I wanted to post this so I could officially move on from 2020 – for good.  I did have this article partially written up, all ready to be completed and published, I just… didn’t.  I had other ideas for articles, then I felt like it was too late, but now I am finally sat down here, on a mission to do this, for my mental health more than anything else.

I had lots of great plans for 2020, it’s just a shame that I didn’t exactly get to achieve all of them…. Nonetheless, I was on a mission to make the most of it, no matter what!  In my post my 2019; I discussed what big plans I had for the year ahead and my top goals and how I was going to be coming back at the end of the year, hopefully to tell you how well I did!  Even though I didn’t get to achieve all my plans (a moment of silence please for The Killers concert, Six performance and the trip to America that never was), I still managed to try and achieve all eleven goals I set myself, and I’m here to prove it!

So, without further ado, these are the goals I set myself, and an honest response as to whether or not I did it!

  1. Become better with physical contact! This one did take some time; I’ll be honest with you.  I was getting a lot better, but then certain events took place which meant that I was back too square one.  Luckily though, through continued support of friends and family, therapy experiences, medication, and my own will, I finally did it!  Now I can confidently say to you that I only slightly flinch when I’m not expecting someone to touch me but I’m normally completely okay with it!  Of course, I do still have some moments which are tricky, but I am getting on in leaps and bounds, considering I used to freak out and have a panic attack when anyone reached out to touch me, so I am very proud of myself.
  2. Partake in a protest/march. Okay, I have an excuse for this!  I wanted to but due to coronavirus, I didn’t really feel comfortable partaking in any of the BLM marches/protests.  It’s a shame, but I’m carrying on this goal to 2021!!
  3. Go to a pride event.  Yet again, due to COVID, I couldn’t go to a pride event which was a shame.  But yet again, 2021, I will be going!  Hopefully!
  4. Try to post once a week!  This one honestly started out so well!  It’s just a shame that I burnt myself out and became super busy.  This year I am going to post at my own pace, whatever I want, whenever I want.  It’s worked pretty well for me so far, so let’s hope it stays that way!
  5. Pass at least five GCSEs.  Whilst I didn’t actually get to do the exams, I took thig goal and my word I ran with it!  Not only did I pass five, I passed all the core subjects and all my other exams too! (more on that here), so I’d say, yeah, I think I achieved this goal pretty well!
  6. Become my own person.  After a long process of “self-discovery” I guess you’d call it, I think I’ve finally done it!  I’m now proud to say I’m not “a part of” anyone or anything else, I am completely just Tatiana, no more, no less – and that’s just the way I like it!
  7. Become someone others look up to.  I think I did that.  After I helped a kid in year eight, I realised I could become a good role model, despite certain rebellious ways and features!  I hope that as I grow up and develop myself more, that I become more of a role model and others are inspired by my story of growth, instead of just feeling sorry for me.
  8. Get out more!  God, what irony am I right?  Despite being unable to go out for a lot of 2020, I did manage to go outside and – when it was legal – socialise!  I definitely tried to achieve this, despite things trying to stop me!
  9. Stop feeling bad about what I can’t control.  Man, 2019 Tati was a prophet, wasn’t she?!  I think that during therapy, I really tackled this goal head on.  It was something which I struggled with the most, and I’m proud to say that I am doing a lot better!  I feel like I now have far more control in my own life, due to the fact that I’ve accepted the fact that I can control certain aspects of my life.  All’s well that ends well!
  10. Read More!  I think I’ve done that! It’s been a struggle to keep my focus, but I’m definitely a lot better.  I’m now on my third book of 2021, so I am pretty proud of myself.
  11. Never lose sight of my morals.  Something I will stay true to until the end.  I have my morals which I keep close to my heart, and no matter what, I will not ever betray them – which I think is pretty sound advice too!

Thank You.

If you read my post about 2019, you’ll know this year was insane.  I lost a few people but gained so many more, I overcame things I never thought I’d be able to, and all in all, I am a bloody warrior now who doesn’t care what anyone thinks.  Of course, I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for the people I want to thank right now, and that’s why I’m here.  I always hope you know how much I care about you but if you don’t, I hope after you read this you understand how much I love each and every one of you.

First up, I want to say the biggest thank you to my family.  My Bother aged nine and a bit, and my Mum and my Dad aged… 40 something.  I always say it to my friends, but I rarely say it to them so I’m going to say it now.  I have the most amazing parents ever.  They’re so supportive and kind and they would do anything for me.  They’ve taught me so much, ever since I was younger and I hope that if I ever have kids, I’ll raise them like you raised me.  My Dad doesn’t mind taking me on late night jaunts where we’ll go out at crazy o’clock and I’ll take photos of the night life while my Mum is okay with staying up and talking to me because I don’t want to sleep because I can’t always deal with the nightmares.  Long story short, my parents are now nocturnal because of me and never complain.  I’m so lucky to have amazing parents and the cherry on top of the cake is my little brother.  As siblings do, he may get on my nerves but more often than not he is the best brother I could ask for.  He’s the funniest, smartest, most deserving brother I could ever ask for and I hope he knows how much I love him.

Secondly, my two friends who have been here for me since the start.  We have the loved Thumper and my Big Brother who we’ll call Sam.  Thumper is the first person I told about being assaulted and ever since that day, he’s supported me so much.  He’s fought my battles when I was unable to, been there to pick me up when I’ve given up, and all in all, everyone needs a Thumper in their life – someone who is always willing to lend a helping hand and is more than happy for you to turn up at their house unannounced and will cheer you up to no end.  (Also, Thumper’s Mum is an angel and is like a second mother so thanks to her as well.)  Sam is always there to distract.  He’s let me call him out of the blue who knows how many times and just allows me to scream and yell about how much I hate this thing or how much this person has hurt me.  He’s there with his dog walks and he’s more than happy to come over to my house in the evening and we’ll go on walks and try not to get lost.  All in all, Thumper and Sam are two of the constant things in my life and I am so lucky to have them supporting me with every crazy idea that comes out.

Next, my Boyfriend.  We may have only been going out for two months, but he knows me better than people I’ve known my whole life.  He puts up with me when I am at my highest of highs and when I’m at my lowest of lows.  He’s the best person to turn to when I’m not feeling my best and he always cheers me up.  He’s funny, strong, smart and has an air of “calm” about him whenever I need it most.  He’s also my gossip buddy and keeps me up to date on all the craziness that’s happening.  Honestly, I am so lucky to have him and if you’re reading this – I love you.

Also, totally worth mentioning, my whole friendship group.  In total there’s about 10 of us who sit in the year 11 area at lunch and it’s safe to say that there’s never a dull moment when we’re around.  No matter how low I’m feeling, these guys will always manage to make me smile, laugh and just cheer me up.  Whether it’s because we’re doing karate without our legs, making a jacuzzi out of chairs, refusing to sit on the chairs and just… Squatting, showing everyone our friends new son – a cactus, screaming song lyrics or just having some nearly give someone else concussion because he threw a shoe and it hit his head, there’s never a dull moment and I feel so blessed to have a friendship group which likes me for me.

My 2019

I never really saw the point in reflecting on things – the past is in the past and I found it best to keep it that way.  But this year was such an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s only fair to reflect, reminisce and learn from 2019.  It’s also a perfect way to wave the eventful year behind so I can hop, skip and jump into 2020.  It’s good to recognise the positives and negatives from this year and writing and preparing this article was honestly such a cleansing experience and I feel finally ready to embrace the new year!  (That sounds very spiritual and that’s not me at all but I kinda like it, so we’ll allow it)

In so many ways, 2019 was one of the hardest years for me.  Lots of things happened or surfaced which made it an extremely emotional time for me.  In this year alone:

  • I got officially diagnosed with depression, PTSD and a trauma-based eating disorder
  • I lost contact with people who meant the world to me – especially one person who stopped me from relapsing and getting bad again.
  • I had a daily struggle with going to and staying in lessons, the wholeeeee year.
  • I went down extremely toxic ways of recovery
  • My anxiety (which I hadn’t badly struggled with since 2016-2017) came back worse than ever
  • I stopped doing things I loved the most as I was scared to be judged.
  • I have extremely bad trust issues
  • Learnt what it’s like to have random strangers now everything about you without a way to control it.
  • Got picked on almost daily
  • Considered ending it all on multiple occasions.

However, 2019 was also the year of coming out of my shell and fighting the good fight.  I’ve had so many amazing, life-changing experiences which definitely out-weigh the negatives!

  • I started this blog!
  • I’ve begun to raise awareness about sexual assault, mental illness and feminism in school!
  • I went to SITC and had the most amazing time meeting the most amazing people
  • I got to spend a day in Brighton with my Big Brother and this summer we became closer than ever before!
  • I found a friendship group and boyfriend who like me for me.
  • I got to see the Book of Mormon with my Dad (which was incredible).  I also got to spend the whole day in London with him and we’re super close now and we have a bond stronger than we have ever had. 
  • Became more self-confident in what I wear and showing off my body a bit more
  • I moved up to the top of the school – Year 11 let’s get it!
  • I became a prefect – something I have wanted to do since Year 7
  • I got to take a trip down memory lane and worked at my old primary school for a week.
  • Reconnected with an old friend and now we’re super close
  • I managed to push my limits and I sung solos in school productions and performed on the frEAKING WEST END!  (My dream come true)
  • Became really close with my family (and my extended family!)
  • I am slowly becoming better with physical contact
  • I became a proud activist (much to my friends eardrums dismay – I am not afraid to get my voice heard!)
  • My mental health is slowly improving
  • I got to see Wicked with my friends (review coming soon!)
  • Got a distinction in my English Speaking and Listening Assessment
  • I don’t mind what people think of me as much

Even though this year was (in some ways) pretty good, I am positive 2020 will be amazing!  I have so many exciting things planned, that I cannot wait for!

  • I’m starting a new chapter in my education: sixth form!
  • I’m seeing the Kaiser Chiefs and The Killers live in concert!
  • I’m also seeing Six: The Musical live with my little brother!
  • Going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas with my family which means DISNEYLAND!!
  • I have my 12 weeks summer holiday! (After GCSE’s of course)
  • I’m going to Prom!
  • I’ll be turning sixteen!  (Legal boys, legal noise – sorry Mum and Dad!)

I will be ensuring that 2020 is amazing though, and I have set myself goals and targets that I wish to achieve so that 2020 will undoubtably be the best year.  Next year, my aims are:

  • Become a lot better with physical contact
  • Partake in a protest or march
  • Go to a pride event with Thumper
  • Try and post once a week here!
  • Pass at least five GCSE’s
  • Not let others control me and become my own person
  • Become someone younger people look up to
  • Get out more!  Learn about the world around me!
  • Stop feeling bad about what I can’t control
  • Read and go to the library more!
  • Become Proud of myself
  • And finally, never lose sight of my morals.

So, there you have it!  That’s been my 2019 and what I want to achieve in 2020!  Thank you so much for reading, I couldn’t be here without fans who are supportive and as lovely as you.

xo baby, Tati xoxo